Maybe I'm Too....??

I don't know.  After rereading my last post and considering the things that have happened since, maybe I'm just too caught up in my anger, hate, and regret towards my mother in regards to the missed opportunity; granted it was a once in a lifetime thing and it took her nearly five years to apologize to me about it.

But since then other things that have been very drastic have occurred and I'm just so tired of being angry and depressed and I'm just so drained all the time and always fighting to have the energy to deal with the monotony of day-to-day living and always crying myself to sleep and always always and and....and............such a runon sentence but I don't care.  I'm not blogging for money, fame, or for English.  I'm just blogging to.... get my inner feelings out as a form of a release.



I know, you're wondering what could have possibly happened in less than a span of a week?  My sister ran away/moved out without warning even though she's still in high school.  What a brat.  You'd think she was dying or something but whatever.  As far as I'm concerned she's not my sister anymore and never will be.  Not again.

So, of course, it burns my ass that our mother was willing to send her a text saying she's on board with whatever my runaway relative decided to do and would support her.  Where was that support when I needed it to actually do something better with my life than..... well, my sister will more than likely drop out of high school to work at McDonalds the rest of her life.  Whatever.  So be it.

Some people are too stupid and selfish to see ANYTHING clearly and she's be Exhibit A of that.

At any rate, I still haven't decided if I REALLY want to travel the entire world or get my degree and teach; I've wanted to teach since I was little and I've wanted to travel since I was little.  Originally, I wanted to get my degree and teach and then travel in the summer.  I have no idea what I'm doing anymore.  All I know is 30 is only a few years away and I'm still living with my parents and still only have an associates degree despite my best efforts and on the verge of killing myself.

I don't even care if I ever get married or not.  The opposite gender is full of assholes anyway.  The same gender is well.... more problematic both regarding my religious beliefs and the way my family would respond.  Not that they are any less attractive.


Ahhhh, and here it comes.  Another BIG DECISION.  I've made a couple of these since my really Last BD.  My LBD that I really screwed up was giving up my scholarship opportunity and moving with my family, without a doubt one of the stupidest things I ever did.  The other BD since then have regarded moving again with the family (a BD I don't regret though it didn't really help me out career wise, really) and joining the military (only to be discharged the first week of boot camp due to a medical condition regarding the eyes that had been overlooked in the initial MEPS exam.  How they missed it is beyond me, but whatever.  Even though I had to wait eight months to even get to the boot camp, I could have been doing other things, but oh well.  I can't say I really regret or don't regret it since it turned out that way.  At least I can say it was an option fully explored).  So this comes to the new REALLY BID DECISION.  Do I stay here and pursue my degree or travel and pursue my degree later in life.  I don't know.  I really don't want to be 30 and degree and still have to work jobs that end in nothing but deads ends.  I feel like these jobs have eaten away my early 20s and will eat up the rest of my mid-20s and probably my late 20s as well if I don't attend the university.

But WHYYYYYYYYYY do we have to be in below 50 degrees Alaska?! Ahhhh, I don't know really.  I have no clue what I'm doing.  I don't know how everyone else seems to be just..... I don't know how to describe it.  Before I gave up my scholarship I was in a really good vibe and just everything always fell into place, but ever since I regrettable gave it up I've felt like everything has fallen apart all around me and I just keep banging my head up on a brick wall and nothing is like it was before and it'll never be again? I dunno.  But I want to believe I'll get back in my groove again and actually be HAPPY like I used to be, but it seems that happiness or even just plain contentedness has eluded me for almost five years now and is that it?  I mean, was that scholarship my ONE SHOT at having a life I wouldn't be horribly ashamed and depressed and want to kill myself over??? Is that all we get?  Is there really no second chances ever?


I don't understand.  I don't feel like I should be entitled to anything.  I mean, I worked to find that scholarship and I just want to know why I could never attend college in the freakin state we came from because the advisor always refused to approve my classes.  Freakin' Dr. Mary Howe.  I hope she has an unpleasant life.  I need to get past this.  I need to.... I need to.......... figure things out and I need to put things together because things aren't going to fall into place..... maybe that's the new look I need to have.  Things won't fall into place because I have to put them into place.    Perhaps if I approach life with this type of attitude things will work out better?  I've been praying and I just don't know anymore.

Ah, I'm done with my soul searching post.

On that note, I will hopefully be earning some extra cash to pay off my debts to Capital One and Chase.  I only have one more payment to Capital One and next week I get my PAYCHECK!!!!!!!!!