So, I've been TOO embarrassed to tell ANYONE about the dream I had before I lit a fire under Farhang's ass and pretty much accussed him of being everything that is wrong with the world, like he was the ultimate asshole, even though he was a very sweet guy. I just fucked up by letting him have sex with me too soon (I GUESS, but I hate how it ALL falls to the woman, like why can't it be- he was ASKING for that by wanting to have sex that soon? But, whatever, it sucks all around , I get it. He's probably scared shitless of me now, anyway). But Damn, I'd had this freaky ass nightmare that morning I went off on him. I think I even said something like "That's why guys do the fucking and girls get fucked." Actually is a saying I agree with. I don't think I called him a POS but I could be wrong, geeze, I'd feel even more terrible if I did, but I'm PRETTY sure I didn't. I honestly can't remember half the crap I said; it was just all so awful.
Like I remember going to a pier and he was there and there was a canoe tied to it. And boy is that stupid, because who the hell is going to travel in a canoe? But the Life of Pi had recently came out and there was an Indian in a canoe so I'm sure that played into it (which by the way, NO ONE wanted to see with me. I really wanted to see it, too!!). But, anyway, a canoe was there and so was my friend. It was either sunset or sunrise, I'm not sure which. He told me he had to go back to India, even though we'd been together for a few months and I had been under the impression that things were going well. And then I couldn't talk, I wanted to cry, I wanted to say something like why couldn't he stay or why couldn't he take me? But then I could remember Chris telling me how he'd "never do THAT to someone" like it was the most awful thing to expect someone to travel with you even if they were completely willing. And my Indian friend must have sensed it because he said pretty patonizingly that I should have known this would come sooner rather than later. He had no classes to take, only to teach and just a thesis to complete. How much longer could he have possibly stayed here and no one can decide to commit to each other in less than six months. So, it was fun and he was glad he'd met me, but he didn't want to stay here, regardless if I was here or not and he didn't want me traveling with him. I just remember feeling so suckered punch in my dream and crying and crying and thinking, "Why'd I let this happen again? How stupid am I? I knew, I KNEW from the beginning and I still let it go, trying to think positively and why do I always bother trying to be positive? It NEVER EVER works out." He was already in the canoe, out of sight, on the way to India. And, at that point, I woke up gasping for breath, like the panic attack I'd had in the dream, I was ACTUALLY having.
And I WENT off, marching down the stairs, still pissed as shit about what had happened in the dream and still upset and I typed up those messages. God, does that suck. And I couldn't take them back at that point, either. I didn't tell him or ANYONE this because damn, does that make me sound crazy as shit. I keep having awful dreams, it's really terrible actually. It's not like I have them at night or throughout the night but almost always in the morning or close to when I'm supposed to wake up. I mean just this morning I had some god awful dream with me and bunch of friends in some freak-ish hospital all covered in blood. Ugh. The first night I spent with him, I had this terrible dream that I couldn't understand him since he was bilingual and I'm not. He started shouting to me in French and I just remember drowning and wondering why he wasn't helping me.
Even so, it was terrible of me to not calm down and think before I sent those. I'm going to start fulling shutting my computer off at night before I got to sleep if I'm dating someone so that doesn't happen again. God knows I already lost one really good man out of this. I do wonder if this is a case where age does matter, though. In a few years, he might think differently. But then again, if I'd had sex earlier and learnt to control this feelings several years ago, none of this might have happened. Then again, I could also be married by now if that were the case and I might have never met him. Still, I feel like it's really terrible of me. It's not like I believe in God or Satan or any of that anymore. I can't be like, "Oh, it's all part of God's plan" Or "This is just how God works, or I fell to Satan's temptations to anger and hate." It's just, "Wow, I'm a super crappy person. I really fucked up and hurt someone and I can't undo it." Others say to just look at is as a lesson, which I guess is good. I mean, I have gotten over it. You gotta take the bad with the good or you just wind up with nothing. But it STILL SUCKS.
Damn, did I give him something terrible, I hope he never has to go through that again. I hope he finds someone really nice. He was probably too good and pure for me, anyway.
MOVING ON. Speaking of Indians, of course, I'd run into freaking Hardik while I'm out smoking. Haha, the reason I was willing to go and date and stuff, this Indian guy used to work at my bank, runs a gas station now like most Indians (hell, like I ORIGINALLY thought Farhang would be doing or something, not freaking traveling around. I mean, I decided to LIVE in Ohio to avoid that, I just can't take these transient beings that don't want anyone else in their life ever. I need some kind of stability/security when it comes to a relationship). But, anyway, missed opportunity here, I could have asked Hardik how he felt now that his girlfriend moved back to Colombia (also a university student). I mean, I don't understand why he'd even still consider her one, she's in another country now, those things can't last unless one or the other moves and it doesn't sound like she's in a hurry to move or him. I'm always in a hurry to move but no one ever wants me, LOL. But anyway, I was out smoking in front of the pizza place and boy did I almost shit myself when someone said my name. And then it's, "Hey, hon, how are you doing? Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was you or not. I thought, 'I think it's her but I'm not sure... but I'm pretty sure.'" Of course, I'm always grasping to find words to force out of my mouth and can't think of anything past, "Yup, it's me!" with a smile because I'm certainly not going to ASK him not to tell anyone. Geeze, I could just imagine that shit-eating grin. But still, I really like how at ease he puts people. I wish I could have worked with him honestly. So, anyway, I play along like I do this ALL the fucking time, which at this point, I pretty much am it feels like it. I mean, at least three or four cigarettes a day now. But geeze, what are the odds of that happening? I mean, I guess all in all, they were pretty high, since it's the closest of that pizza place near his gas station and he does still bank with us. And that pizza place had a coupon out, but I didn't know that beforehand, dammit. Fuck me. He went to the bank but didn't say anything I guess since no one else said anything to me. I hope. Geeze, or maybe he did and they're just all not saying anything. This whole thing is embarrassing as shit.
I also talked to my neighbor finally. She said the feelings I felt were fine and sometimes people snap. But when you find someone who is willing to go through that with you, it's totally worth it. My other friend said essentially the same thing but said not to snap after one month, at least wait two or three, lol. I just jumped the gun.
There are probably typos here and I don't give a fuck.
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