So, I've been TOO embarrassed to tell ANYONE about the dream I had before I lit a fire under Farhang's ass and pretty much accussed him of being everything that is wrong with the world, like he was the ultimate asshole, even though he was a very sweet guy. I just fucked up by letting him have sex with me too soon (I GUESS, but I hate how it ALL falls to the woman, like why can't it be- he was ASKING for that by wanting to have sex that soon? But, whatever, it sucks all around , I get it. He's probably scared shitless of me now, anyway). But Damn, I'd had this freaky ass nightmare that morning I went off on him. I think I even said something like "That's why guys do the fucking and girls get fucked." Actually is a saying I agree with. I don't think I called him a POS but I could be wrong, geeze, I'd feel even more terrible if I did, but I'm PRETTY sure I didn't. I honestly can't remember half the crap I said; it was just all so awful.
Like I remember going to a pier and he was there and there was a canoe tied to it. And boy is that stupid, because who the hell is going to travel in a canoe? But the Life of Pi had recently came out and there was an Indian in a canoe so I'm sure that played into it (which by the way, NO ONE wanted to see with me. I really wanted to see it, too!!). But, anyway, a canoe was there and so was my friend. It was either sunset or sunrise, I'm not sure which. He told me he had to go back to India, even though we'd been together for a few months and I had been under the impression that things were going well. And then I couldn't talk, I wanted to cry, I wanted to say something like why couldn't he stay or why couldn't he take me? But then I could remember Chris telling me how he'd "never do THAT to someone" like it was the most awful thing to expect someone to travel with you even if they were completely willing. And my Indian friend must have sensed it because he said pretty patonizingly that I should have known this would come sooner rather than later. He had no classes to take, only to teach and just a thesis to complete. How much longer could he have possibly stayed here and no one can decide to commit to each other in less than six months. So, it was fun and he was glad he'd met me, but he didn't want to stay here, regardless if I was here or not and he didn't want me traveling with him. I just remember feeling so suckered punch in my dream and crying and crying and thinking, "Why'd I let this happen again? How stupid am I? I knew, I KNEW from the beginning and I still let it go, trying to think positively and why do I always bother trying to be positive? It NEVER EVER works out." He was already in the canoe, out of sight, on the way to India. And, at that point, I woke up gasping for breath, like the panic attack I'd had in the dream, I was ACTUALLY having.
And I WENT off, marching down the stairs, still pissed as shit about what had happened in the dream and still upset and I typed up those messages. God, does that suck. And I couldn't take them back at that point, either. I didn't tell him or ANYONE this because damn, does that make me sound crazy as shit. I keep having awful dreams, it's really terrible actually. It's not like I have them at night or throughout the night but almost always in the morning or close to when I'm supposed to wake up. I mean just this morning I had some god awful dream with me and bunch of friends in some freak-ish hospital all covered in blood. Ugh. The first night I spent with him, I had this terrible dream that I couldn't understand him since he was bilingual and I'm not. He started shouting to me in French and I just remember drowning and wondering why he wasn't helping me.
Even so, it was terrible of me to not calm down and think before I sent those. I'm going to start fulling shutting my computer off at night before I got to sleep if I'm dating someone so that doesn't happen again. God knows I already lost one really good man out of this. I do wonder if this is a case where age does matter, though. In a few years, he might think differently. But then again, if I'd had sex earlier and learnt to control this feelings several years ago, none of this might have happened. Then again, I could also be married by now if that were the case and I might have never met him. Still, I feel like it's really terrible of me. It's not like I believe in God or Satan or any of that anymore. I can't be like, "Oh, it's all part of God's plan" Or "This is just how God works, or I fell to Satan's temptations to anger and hate." It's just, "Wow, I'm a super crappy person. I really fucked up and hurt someone and I can't undo it." Others say to just look at is as a lesson, which I guess is good. I mean, I have gotten over it. You gotta take the bad with the good or you just wind up with nothing. But it STILL SUCKS.
Damn, did I give him something terrible, I hope he never has to go through that again. I hope he finds someone really nice. He was probably too good and pure for me, anyway.
MOVING ON. Speaking of Indians, of course, I'd run into freaking Hardik while I'm out smoking. Haha, the reason I was willing to go and date and stuff, this Indian guy used to work at my bank, runs a gas station now like most Indians (hell, like I ORIGINALLY thought Farhang would be doing or something, not freaking traveling around. I mean, I decided to LIVE in Ohio to avoid that, I just can't take these transient beings that don't want anyone else in their life ever. I need some kind of stability/security when it comes to a relationship). But, anyway, missed opportunity here, I could have asked Hardik how he felt now that his girlfriend moved back to Colombia (also a university student). I mean, I don't understand why he'd even still consider her one, she's in another country now, those things can't last unless one or the other moves and it doesn't sound like she's in a hurry to move or him. I'm always in a hurry to move but no one ever wants me, LOL. But anyway, I was out smoking in front of the pizza place and boy did I almost shit myself when someone said my name. And then it's, "Hey, hon, how are you doing? Yeah, I wasn't sure if it was you or not. I thought, 'I think it's her but I'm not sure... but I'm pretty sure.'" Of course, I'm always grasping to find words to force out of my mouth and can't think of anything past, "Yup, it's me!" with a smile because I'm certainly not going to ASK him not to tell anyone. Geeze, I could just imagine that shit-eating grin. But still, I really like how at ease he puts people. I wish I could have worked with him honestly. So, anyway, I play along like I do this ALL the fucking time, which at this point, I pretty much am it feels like it. I mean, at least three or four cigarettes a day now. But geeze, what are the odds of that happening? I mean, I guess all in all, they were pretty high, since it's the closest of that pizza place near his gas station and he does still bank with us. And that pizza place had a coupon out, but I didn't know that beforehand, dammit. Fuck me. He went to the bank but didn't say anything I guess since no one else said anything to me. I hope. Geeze, or maybe he did and they're just all not saying anything. This whole thing is embarrassing as shit.
I also talked to my neighbor finally. She said the feelings I felt were fine and sometimes people snap. But when you find someone who is willing to go through that with you, it's totally worth it. My other friend said essentially the same thing but said not to snap after one month, at least wait two or three, lol. I just jumped the gun.
There are probably typos here and I don't give a fuck.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Why Dating Sucks Ass and How To Start Smoking
So, I had therapy in early 2012. It helped a LOT after I got my life fucked up from fucking. And then I fucked up my life again with fucking.
A friend set me up an online dating profile for a site which shall remain nameless. So, korf is feeling pretty damn fucking great about herself and decides to go on dates and shit because, hell, she's had therapy, finally made up with her parents (sorta) and hasn't gone on a date in almost a whole year and sure hasn't had sex in a year despite doing stuff sexually with like five guys in the span of one year after waiting 26 years to have sex period. So she's online on her birthday because she had to take paid time off that she had accrued or lose it by the end of the year and it's fucking December and who the hell wants to fucking lose paid time off but stupid people?
So she meets a few funny weirdos and then she meets this REALLY sweet, nice guy. From India, has a very sweet accent, and a really cool name (Farhang). The first date lasts for hours and is comfortable. I even go on a date with another guy and think about the guy from India almost the entire time, about how much more fun it'd be with him. Because this dude (not from India) is freakin crazy, living with his ex who is living with her ex and what the fuck?
Anyway, I see Indian guy again and we start making out and damn, does he sound sexy when he says he wants to lick me. Against my better judgement, I allow the oral sex to happen and return the favor. And then we see each other again and again and again and we have sex. And then we see each other again and have sex. And then I start LOSING MY MIND.
I KNEW from the moment I walked into his place, things weren't going to work out, his living situation was waaaaaaaay, WAAAAAAAAAAAY too temporary and he mentioned the school he was going to and asked when I was going and I brought up some time in the future and he changed the subject. I KNEW I should have asked then if he'd be around in the Fall or if he was graduating and leaving in the Spring/Summer, but my anxiety got the better of me and I was worried about coming on too strong.
So, anyway, we've had sex again and he starts school back up. And he is SUPER busy and I understand that, but the dating site still shows him logging in. I'm about to start my period to boot and I get SUPER fucking emotional right around my period, hell if I know why. I mean, I usually REALLY consider killing myself around that time, fuck me, it's gonna be the miracle of miracles if I make it to fucking forty. But I guess I DON'T understand as well I was thought about him being busy. I keep thinking of the guy I gave my virginity to he kept me on a string for months and am getting that similar feeling because of the living situation. A friend had mentioned before how the foreign student population in this area is big and they usually tend to hop on a plane the day or the day after they graduate, happy to go home after a couple years.
I wake up in this mad, horrible rage, gasping for breath, unable to believe how unbelievably STUPID I am. And I am MAD. Mad at myself and mad at HIM for getting on that fucking site and even suggesting he'd be interested in short-term, long-term dating and mad at me for not noticing sooner he'd had the fucking activity partners on the damn thing.
And I think if he's just gonna tell me in a few months I should have known he was leaving soon. He's from fucking INDIA, not the USA and he's already been here over a year and, hell, I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know a couple years is more or less enough for a grad student.
I TOTALLY FREAK the FUCK OUT, march down the stairs, not even fully thinking and and am like, "I'm gonna TELL HIM." Like some kind of crazy fucking bitch. And then I type the most AWFUL shit up accusing him of using me for a fling, but it's really fucking sarcastic like, "I'm glad I could be your winter break fling (not really), you douche. Guys always get so cold after sex and treat girls like shit! I'm so sick of guys leading girls on for a few months only to break it off with them later and go on to the next new and exciting thing, but keep them around for awhile for convenient sex. This is ultimately the REAL reason I put I only date white guys because if I'm gonna be treated shitty after sex anyway, might as well be by a white guy. Thank god I never felt comfortable enough around you to give you that xmas gift or suggest going to the sex shop like I wanted. I should have known you wanted a fling, you ass. You never wanted to meet my friends or even mentioned me meeting yours!! I know you know when you get paid, how fucking stupid do you think I am?!!!"
And then I sent him something like, "You can log on to the site but not text me or reply back, you ass!!"
And THEN I closed the computer and left for work, still upset but feeling good I'd said what I felt. And it was bad. Somehow, I remember it being a lot worse than that or maybe I've thought on it so much or told a couple friends how fucking awful I was, I'm desensitized to it? Or maybe I'm just really an uncaring bitch who isn't as sensitive and nice as everyone says. Anyway, later I talk to a friend who said I was reading too much into shit but then I'm really like well, SHIT, I ALREADY SENT those messages, I can't unfucking do it and she's like, "Well, how bad were they?" And I'm like, "They were pretty fucking bad." Except I don't cuss because I actually rarely cuss. And then I tell her, "Well, I KNOW he just wanted a fling anyway, it was over, he doesn't care."
And then I get home and realize I've started my fucking period. And feel like TOTAL shit because the second I saw that gross red liquid all my anger left me and all I could do was think about how totally horrible I was and probably deserved to go to Hell for being the biggest fucking bitch on the planet. Like, WOW. Who the FUCK goes off LIKE THAT so early in the fucking morning?! What REALLY sucked was the next day he sent me a text just saying hi and I was like shit, I am like basically shit. Seriously. And I sent him something back saying look, I'm sorry I sent nasty messages, I understand if you don't wanna talk to me again. And he sends something back confused and asks why and I tell him how I thought it was a fling and he's all confused already. Then he gets home and reads the damn thing, even though I was all desperate to have him just erase them and be done with it and not read them and even told him I was a crazy psycho bitch, blah blah, and I fucked up really bad and blah blah.
But anyway, he read the shit that I shouldn't have sent. And, wow, did I LEARN MY LESSON. He responded with these texts like why would I get SO mad after just five days of him not texting me, and he was sad I thought it was a fling and I shouldn't think all guys are out for sex because some really do want meaningful relationships. And how I was the first girl in the US he'd done anything with
(OMG, GOOGLE IS FUCKING AMAZING. I SERIOUSLY JUST EXITED THIS WITHOUT SAVING, GOT PISSED and came back here and IT WAS ALL STILL HERE. GOOGLE, I LOVE YOU).
Anyways, poor guy, he has this gorgeous body and sexy voice and is so sweet and I just tear him a new one and probably fucking traumatize the shit out of him. Probably gonna be scared of sex with women after that fucking shit. He was so kind and nice. I just flipped. I mean, I had wanted him to pay for half my Plan B pill since the condom slipped out or whatever. And before I had always paid with someone else and didn't want to go through THAT again. But I ONLY wanted half and I wanted his half to be a fucking date. But, good god, he just had to insist on giving me the cash and said he'd take me out some other time but he didn't know when because he didn't know when he got paid. But I kind of took it as I'm trying to cut you out of my life and not have any ties to you. Because at first he was fine with it and was like, "yeah" but then stopped me before I left and INSISTED giving me the money because it would be best even though I didn't want it. And, yeah, I probably read too much into that gesture.
So, at this fucking point, I'm fucked as all get out because I sent those snide, horrible, awful messages, but hell, I didn't tell him to go kill himself or that he was a piece of shit or anything. I mean, I did type those up in a blind rage but I don't remember typing that up. So then I type up a SORT of apology before he read any. And the last message I sent was like, "I'm SORRY I flipped out earlier, I DID start my period. I'm just so tired of guys using girls, yadda yadda for a good fucking. I've ran into this problem before. Guys never want anything more. I wish guys would try to work stuff out with the girls they fuck instead of just fucking them over. But I guess that's why guys do the fucking and girls get fucked. Still can't help but feel I wasted my time with you. Well, I guess have a nice life :/ I already deleted your number so I won't be bothering you again. Bye."
So, yeah, I SUCK ASS AT APOLOGIES APPARENTLY. But then he sent me all those texts (because I obviously disabled my account after all that fucking shit, hello!). And then I felt like the biggest piece of SHIT in the entire fucking UNIVERSE. Like there'd be a big arrow God himself would be pointing at me, saying PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT right HERE. RIGHT THERE. KORF. Basically became what I hated. I could NOT believe I did that.
So then I'm practically on my knees, begging for an apology. I try to play it cool at first with women have hormones (and we FUCKING DO DAMMIT, I'm not FUCKING LYING. I KNOW you can't use that as an excuse, but DAMN, I've had sex and JUST gotten out of a BAD FUCKING PLACE in life and now I'M ALREADY BACK). I mean, we'd seen each other multiple times over the month and had sex or oral sex and kissing multiple times and stuff and damn, you either like me or don't at that point. I should have just fucking asked but I was too terrified to hear that he was leaving in the summer and I was a fucking idiot for not realizing it or think this could GO SOMEWHERE. I say something like I'd still like to see you, if this is something you'd like to pursue, let me know. Don't hear from him and later offer to take him to dinner to apologize in person and god, is my apology nice and humble. I mean, I basically tell him I can't believe that was me and I know I said really mean and hurtful things and I feel awful and I hope he doesn't take them to heart; I enjoyed being with him, that's what mattered, I'm not really that concerned about wasting time, I'm sorry I hurt him and sad and embarrassed he had to see the worst side of me (and BOY DID HE. I mean I DO NOT get worse than THAT, DAMN, FUCK ME. I even sounded like some crazy ass racist, holy shit, I actually really think mixed people with brown skin are pretty fucking hot or I wouldn't be having sex with an Indian). But seriously, I put white people because I knew they'd be more likely to be living in the area with a permanent job and I just find them more attractive than SUPER dark black males (except for on rare occasions), but like Raj from Big Bang Theory or people that have the some coloring as Beyonce or Drake, I find to be super hot, I don't know why. Just chemicals and shit, I'm sure.
So, anyway, I'm FUCKED beyond belief at this point and he understandably doesn't wanna see me again, says he knows I'm not a bad person (that was pretty fucking bad, dude). And he's sure I'll find someone better than him (okaaay, this again) and he hopes I find what I'm looking for, he knows I will. I DID tell him he was the kind of guy I was looking for and, again, how sorry I am. But anyway, he says he's never experienced that kind of reaction before or had hormones taken out on him before like that (not a lot of experience with women, much less the American kind who are generally not oppressed, not that he's a sexist, religious Indian- him being agnostic, leaning towards atheism, like myself).
I tell him to take a couple days to think about it, I'm sorry (AGAIN, like god I gotta fucking beg for this shit?). Anyway, I tell some friends because, again, I feel like the shittiest fucking person on the planet and like I don't deserve anyone if I can't handle my fucking anxiety. I mean, I took fucking therapy and I forgot all my skills the second shit started getting somewhat serious, I became terrified as fuck and hell if I know why. Thinking back on it, what the fuck was I thinking? Like I don't get it. I got on that one website, healing well or whatever for anxiety and depression and some other women said they got like that then they start their periods. One even said she had been threatening to divorce her husband of ten years, hated him, and was SERIOUS about it and after she had her period came to her senses and felt awful. I mean it was kind of relief that someone had a similar type experience but LUCKY her, she's got a guy willing to put up with that shit since Farhang is obviously and understandably not.
Anyway, my friends say this one thing doesn't make me a bad person, that I still deserve someone and I learned from this. But, god, I am SO TIRED OF FUCKING LEARNING. I swear, I am TEN FUCKING YEARS behind everyone because of how AWFULLY STRICT my parents were. Jeeze. Anyway, I tell him to think about it, I'll take him out if he wants, if not, whatever. But I did ENJOY being with him and I'm sorry (again, god I sound FUCKING PATHETIC but I gotta eat my HUMBLE PIE).
Well, anyway, I haven't heard from him and probably won't bother him. But I would like to say (oh yeah, I said something like, "idk why you keep saying I'll find someone better, like do you mean that or really think that about yourself?"). Like why the FUCK do people tell others they'll find someone "better." No one, not ONE person is better than another. Yeah, I FUCKED up like seriously..... but that doesn't mean he'll find someone better than me or me someone better than him. We'll just find someone DIFFERENT. I'll find someone to put up and get through this shit with me about the anxiety at the beginning. The beginnings of a relationship are ALWAYS the most difficult. Ugh, it SUCKS. It SUCKS ASS.
And he will find someone who either doesn't have these problems or someone he is willing to help get through them as he gets older (he is five/six years younger than I). And she will help him through whatever issues he has (and I probably just gave him some, holy shit!!). I mean, I don't believe in love anyway. I believe in companionship, sticking it out through the shit and slowly growing to care deeply for the other and that turns into love. I mean, yeah, I've thought people are hot as super fuck, but never have I ever thought I LOVE that person. There was only guy I ever thought, "I wanna marry him and have his kids." And we never even held hands (haha, Kyle but not my relative Kyle obviously because that'd be weird as fuck. The Amish one or formerly Amish one with like eight siblings). And then I wouldn't even say I LOVED him. I could just see it going SOMEWHERE.
And I guess that's why I got SO SCARED. I COULD easily see myself falling for Farhang and seeing it and hoping it going somewhere but he just looked so temporary like Chris and all these feelings that I'd felt when I was with Chris came back and I just took it ALL OUT on the poor Indian. Poor guy, he didn't deserve THAT. But we got along so well. But then we had sex and I had trouble finding my voice. You just get so horrified because, hell, they have gotten what they wanted, why would they stay any longer?
Haha, and the REAL FUCKING kicker is how bad I STILL Feel about it even though I was told that guess who probably WOULD be leaving in three or four months? And you know he had to KNOW that. So, what would have happened if I hadn't lost it and become the biggest bitch on the planet? Finding out three or four months later that I was stupid for thinking this could have gone anywhere? Like did I really think I could convince him to stay in this country just for me? I mean, Chris didn't even wanna fucking travel with me in the SAME country. But, DAMN, I couldn't help but feel I almost got suckered AGAIN into sleeping with the same guy faithfully for a few months, not dating others just to get told AGAIN how I was kind of dumb for expecting anything out of it. Yet, I STILL feel like the biggest bitch ever because the guy from India was nice enough to bring me out and go out with me and stuff. Although, he never did meet or even mention wanting to meet my friends, though I mentioned them ALL THE TIME. And he never mentioned meeting mine. And, god, my family might as well BE in India. I miss my sisters and brother SO FUCKING MUCH. Fucking Alaska. And I know how much he missed his sister. I even got that stupid xmas present for HER since most girls like penguins. But, on the off chance he ever sees this (seriously DOUBTFUL, LOL). I do apologize, Farhang. It was awful of me.
But still, I think I would have died if I'd had to go through that 3-5 months sex fling again and friends never being involved. I mean, I seriously had consistent suicidal thoughts after the last one. I wish I could be like some girls and just enjoy the sex and not care about the relationship and become a stone cold wall to all the feelings that come with that crap. I AM getting to that point and maybe that's where I need to be is where one friend suggested. I wish I'd learn these lessons BEFORE I meet these people, though. I mean, I don't think there's anyone special out there for me or anyone, really. Just people willing to work through the shit each other brings to the table. And no one ever stays at some people's tables, LOL! Mine is a lonely tv dinner tray basically. And some people probably burned their table a long ass time ago and just throw their shit randomly.
But hell, I wanna meet a guy I find decently attractive that wants to work through shit and let me help him through his own shit. I mean, yeah, some super obese guys have hit on me but I don't find any attraction to them and I gotta feel something if I wanna sleep with you or suck you off, you know? Come on, ladies, you know what I mean.
So, I guess all in all, it was for the best. I mean, he himself said he believe it was probably for the best in the long run since he'd probably be leaving in 3-4 months. Why the hell do guys do that? Why would you go and look for a chick on a dating website when you know you're gonna be leaving in half a year or less. At least go to Craigslist casual encounters or hell, go to the bar and pick a chick up. Not an actual dating site. Or if you do, ONLY look for activity partners. But I guess I judge too harshly, it is possibly he had that profile up for a year or two, who knows?
We just met at wrong times. I do believe if he was a few years older and had more experience with women, he wouldn't run so fast. Or if we'd been together a couple months longer, it might have been more understandable. But if you're leaving soon anyway. Like if I knew that, it would have ended at the first fucking email. It's like Anberlin- Feel Good Drag is my fucking theme song to my romantic/sex life. I mean, good freakin grief. Do I need go sacrifice a virgin or something to get anywhere in life? Hell, my career has been shot to all hell, I've pretty much lost almost all the passion I once had for teaching or life and god, does it get tired of fuck pretending like I give a shit, and I can't find a guy to even be willing to try a relationship out for a full fucking year. Fuck my life. Like I wish the biggest problem in my life was losing my $20 English book. I'm already poor as shit, barely making it paycheck to paycheck, buying clothe at thrift stores and the fucking dollar store. It SUCKS ASS, though. WHY do I always meet people at the wrong fucking time? Can't something just finally go right? Dammit.
So, onto the second part of this long ass look at my pathetic life under the microscope (but god, it's gotta make, what, like one person feel like less of a piece of shit. I mean almost ten people have viewed some of my pages. Most view the stuff about Chase because they suck and should go to hell).
I have basically had this crazy craving for a cigarette since falling into his deep horrible depression. After the therapy, I thought for sure it'd go away, and it DID. I only smoked at Yellowstone when I was drunk as fuck. And I hardly get that drunk now anyway. But I couldn't help but think it was crazy how all the skills I'd learned at therapy flew out the fucking window the second the pressure was on, the second I was left in that land of what the fuck am I?! OMG, is it happening AGAIN?! I mean, last time I just spent all that panicking time crying in a bathtub alone and it sucked. I couldn't do it again. But I did learn from all this to wait like 2-4 months before sex and not within the month. But, shit I've waited before and one time the guy broke it off because it didn't get physical and the other time the guy was apparently in the fucking closet because I couldn't get him to do shit after a month and it wasn't for lack of trying.
But I kept thinking, "Holy shit, my therapy skills-- I forgot them." And how super fucking IRONIC that the next FUCKING DAY, my 6 month check up from my depression study came in the mail. Go fucking figure. If that isn't life laughing it's ass off at me, I don't know what the fuck it is. I know my friend laughed HER ass off at it. Some shit I need to fill out and sent back. And I need to SOON otherwise I miss out on ten bucks!
Anyways, we had a friends party and would have played Cards Against Humanity if I'd brought my Indian friend with me but obviously we were not on good terms at this point (so sad because we talked about this the first date. Ah well). So we played Mystery Date instead which was still fun. But, god, I kept freaking out thinking how everyone MUST know what a piece of shit I was. And then there were smokers and, god, I wanted a cigarette so fucking badly. Like damn. The smokers left once, then twice, and I'm fighting off a fucking social panic attack. I mean, I'm one of only TWO people without a fucking date (AGAIN, god, you'd think I was this ugly fucking thing. And I'm not. I liked that Indian guy so much because on the first date, he'd looked at me with this look at the bus stop and I was like, "what?" because he just looked so blown away and he said, "You're beautiful." I felt a little silly but super flattered. But I guess he could have been bs'ing that, but I think he was honest. And he loved cats!). And the only reason the OTHER person without a date is even there is because she's visiting from another state but she doesn't seem to have the same intense anxiety as me and it must be super fucking obvious because at one point she asks if I'm okay and I quickly say "yeah." Even though it's like SUPER fucking obvious I'm not.
So the smokers get up again for their break and I shoot one of my friends this super guilty as all get out look, get my coat, put it on and go outside because I'm gonna smoke me a fucking cigarette!! Damn. I find a girl and ask pretty timidly, but like, "Can I please have a cigarette." And she's drunk as fuck, I mean, but SO NICE and says, "yes, yes, here" And she lights it and damn, does it feel good and like all my problems just leave when I exhale that smoke. And we talk about our jobs and life and she is so nice and bubbly and loud. And I feel almost all my anxiety just shrivel up and I can't help but think why didn't I just do this almost sober before (I'd had a glass and a half of wine by now and am a lightweight and usually laughing like shit but today I'm trying not to fucking cry, like what the fuck?!). And the thought creeps up that if I'd had a pack of cigarettes maybe that morning I'd woken up in a panic, gasping- practically hyperventilating and in tears thinking I'd had sex too early and I was stupid and he was moving back to India anyway, and why was I such a fucking moron-- maybe instead of marching down the stairs and getting on the computer, lashing out at a human being and saying all that hurtful shit, maybe, just maybe I would have marched down the stairs, smoked a damn cigarette, and calmed the FUCK DOWN before I went and royally made an asshole of myself. Or bitch, though a friend said that asshole suffices because bitch is sexist and he's a guy so he might be onto something. Apparently, it was someone Eleanor Roosevelt said because he posted it to my facebook wall. He'd recently been an asshole too and mentioned it on facebook.
But anyways, maybe I would have calmed down and god knows I never EVER want to hurt someone like that again. Hopefully, absolutely no girl can seem worse to him after he went through that with me. But still, shit sucks.
So I bought my first pack of cigarettes today. The girl at the party had Camel, the guy at the register suggested Camel Lite because it's 75 cents off right now, some kinda birthday or whatever. He even asked if I was having a good day because I was so obviously not usually buying packs of cigs. And I got a lighter to boot, like let me just stick a note one my forehead: First time. I smoked a cigarette on the way back. Then I smoked four when I got home and drank some diet dr.pepper and couldn't even finish dinner. And, DAMN, do I feel GOOD now. Also found a really cool website, smokingfeelsgood.com or something like that, I think. Where other smokers get on and talk about why they smoke and stuff.
I guess all in all, it really doesn't matter. I don't know why I always think that I can find someone that wants to be REALLY be with me. I just hate this constant wondering about where I stand, how many other girls are being fucked besides me, just this constant alarm that I'm getting fucked again. Bad enough my first experience with sex was so fucking awful. I mean, I wasn't raped (though, I know MANY friends that have been, even brutally so or been degraded by men in horrifying ways and I guess I took some of that out, too. Sometimes I really hate who awful men are to women and I just start blaming EVERY guy for the problems even though I KNOW there are SOME good guys out there). But still, you gotta fucking wonder. I guess you just gotta pretend like you don't fucking care. Because everything goes great til you let on you care. But geeze, who wants to be led on for four to five months just to find out they were fucked from the beginning the guy fucking KNEW it but still went along with it?! That's what really fucking sucks. Like, at least don't KNOW it's over before it even begins, dammit, don't be fucking PLANNING on ending it in a few months.
And, it feels good to get that out. I doubt they'd ever read it but if you do and are super offended your name is here, email me or something. Unless you are Chris because that name is popular as fuck. You probably aren't even the right Chris. Mostly talking to the Indian guy here even though there seems to be quite a few people by that name (not like almost none like I first thought) and I might have taken liberties myself here a little with the name and places and stuff.
You know because there's like five people that might view this in the next two years, LOL! But it's nice having my own little space of the internet to just ramble about my life. If there is misspellings and shit, it's because I don't care.
A friend set me up an online dating profile for a site which shall remain nameless. So, korf is feeling pretty damn fucking great about herself and decides to go on dates and shit because, hell, she's had therapy, finally made up with her parents (sorta) and hasn't gone on a date in almost a whole year and sure hasn't had sex in a year despite doing stuff sexually with like five guys in the span of one year after waiting 26 years to have sex period. So she's online on her birthday because she had to take paid time off that she had accrued or lose it by the end of the year and it's fucking December and who the hell wants to fucking lose paid time off but stupid people?
So she meets a few funny weirdos and then she meets this REALLY sweet, nice guy. From India, has a very sweet accent, and a really cool name (Farhang). The first date lasts for hours and is comfortable. I even go on a date with another guy and think about the guy from India almost the entire time, about how much more fun it'd be with him. Because this dude (not from India) is freakin crazy, living with his ex who is living with her ex and what the fuck?
Anyway, I see Indian guy again and we start making out and damn, does he sound sexy when he says he wants to lick me. Against my better judgement, I allow the oral sex to happen and return the favor. And then we see each other again and again and again and we have sex. And then we see each other again and have sex. And then I start LOSING MY MIND.
I KNEW from the moment I walked into his place, things weren't going to work out, his living situation was waaaaaaaay, WAAAAAAAAAAAY too temporary and he mentioned the school he was going to and asked when I was going and I brought up some time in the future and he changed the subject. I KNEW I should have asked then if he'd be around in the Fall or if he was graduating and leaving in the Spring/Summer, but my anxiety got the better of me and I was worried about coming on too strong.
So, anyway, we've had sex again and he starts school back up. And he is SUPER busy and I understand that, but the dating site still shows him logging in. I'm about to start my period to boot and I get SUPER fucking emotional right around my period, hell if I know why. I mean, I usually REALLY consider killing myself around that time, fuck me, it's gonna be the miracle of miracles if I make it to fucking forty. But I guess I DON'T understand as well I was thought about him being busy. I keep thinking of the guy I gave my virginity to he kept me on a string for months and am getting that similar feeling because of the living situation. A friend had mentioned before how the foreign student population in this area is big and they usually tend to hop on a plane the day or the day after they graduate, happy to go home after a couple years.
I wake up in this mad, horrible rage, gasping for breath, unable to believe how unbelievably STUPID I am. And I am MAD. Mad at myself and mad at HIM for getting on that fucking site and even suggesting he'd be interested in short-term, long-term dating and mad at me for not noticing sooner he'd had the fucking activity partners on the damn thing.
And I think if he's just gonna tell me in a few months I should have known he was leaving soon. He's from fucking INDIA, not the USA and he's already been here over a year and, hell, I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know a couple years is more or less enough for a grad student.
I TOTALLY FREAK the FUCK OUT, march down the stairs, not even fully thinking and and am like, "I'm gonna TELL HIM." Like some kind of crazy fucking bitch. And then I type the most AWFUL shit up accusing him of using me for a fling, but it's really fucking sarcastic like, "I'm glad I could be your winter break fling (not really), you douche. Guys always get so cold after sex and treat girls like shit! I'm so sick of guys leading girls on for a few months only to break it off with them later and go on to the next new and exciting thing, but keep them around for awhile for convenient sex. This is ultimately the REAL reason I put I only date white guys because if I'm gonna be treated shitty after sex anyway, might as well be by a white guy. Thank god I never felt comfortable enough around you to give you that xmas gift or suggest going to the sex shop like I wanted. I should have known you wanted a fling, you ass. You never wanted to meet my friends or even mentioned me meeting yours!! I know you know when you get paid, how fucking stupid do you think I am?!!!"
And then I sent him something like, "You can log on to the site but not text me or reply back, you ass!!"
And THEN I closed the computer and left for work, still upset but feeling good I'd said what I felt. And it was bad. Somehow, I remember it being a lot worse than that or maybe I've thought on it so much or told a couple friends how fucking awful I was, I'm desensitized to it? Or maybe I'm just really an uncaring bitch who isn't as sensitive and nice as everyone says. Anyway, later I talk to a friend who said I was reading too much into shit but then I'm really like well, SHIT, I ALREADY SENT those messages, I can't unfucking do it and she's like, "Well, how bad were they?" And I'm like, "They were pretty fucking bad." Except I don't cuss because I actually rarely cuss. And then I tell her, "Well, I KNOW he just wanted a fling anyway, it was over, he doesn't care."
And then I get home and realize I've started my fucking period. And feel like TOTAL shit because the second I saw that gross red liquid all my anger left me and all I could do was think about how totally horrible I was and probably deserved to go to Hell for being the biggest fucking bitch on the planet. Like, WOW. Who the FUCK goes off LIKE THAT so early in the fucking morning?! What REALLY sucked was the next day he sent me a text just saying hi and I was like shit, I am like basically shit. Seriously. And I sent him something back saying look, I'm sorry I sent nasty messages, I understand if you don't wanna talk to me again. And he sends something back confused and asks why and I tell him how I thought it was a fling and he's all confused already. Then he gets home and reads the damn thing, even though I was all desperate to have him just erase them and be done with it and not read them and even told him I was a crazy psycho bitch, blah blah, and I fucked up really bad and blah blah.
But anyway, he read the shit that I shouldn't have sent. And, wow, did I LEARN MY LESSON. He responded with these texts like why would I get SO mad after just five days of him not texting me, and he was sad I thought it was a fling and I shouldn't think all guys are out for sex because some really do want meaningful relationships. And how I was the first girl in the US he'd done anything with
(OMG, GOOGLE IS FUCKING AMAZING. I SERIOUSLY JUST EXITED THIS WITHOUT SAVING, GOT PISSED and came back here and IT WAS ALL STILL HERE. GOOGLE, I LOVE YOU).
Anyways, poor guy, he has this gorgeous body and sexy voice and is so sweet and I just tear him a new one and probably fucking traumatize the shit out of him. Probably gonna be scared of sex with women after that fucking shit. He was so kind and nice. I just flipped. I mean, I had wanted him to pay for half my Plan B pill since the condom slipped out or whatever. And before I had always paid with someone else and didn't want to go through THAT again. But I ONLY wanted half and I wanted his half to be a fucking date. But, good god, he just had to insist on giving me the cash and said he'd take me out some other time but he didn't know when because he didn't know when he got paid. But I kind of took it as I'm trying to cut you out of my life and not have any ties to you. Because at first he was fine with it and was like, "yeah" but then stopped me before I left and INSISTED giving me the money because it would be best even though I didn't want it. And, yeah, I probably read too much into that gesture.
So, at this fucking point, I'm fucked as all get out because I sent those snide, horrible, awful messages, but hell, I didn't tell him to go kill himself or that he was a piece of shit or anything. I mean, I did type those up in a blind rage but I don't remember typing that up. So then I type up a SORT of apology before he read any. And the last message I sent was like, "I'm SORRY I flipped out earlier, I DID start my period. I'm just so tired of guys using girls, yadda yadda for a good fucking. I've ran into this problem before. Guys never want anything more. I wish guys would try to work stuff out with the girls they fuck instead of just fucking them over. But I guess that's why guys do the fucking and girls get fucked. Still can't help but feel I wasted my time with you. Well, I guess have a nice life :/ I already deleted your number so I won't be bothering you again. Bye."
So, yeah, I SUCK ASS AT APOLOGIES APPARENTLY. But then he sent me all those texts (because I obviously disabled my account after all that fucking shit, hello!). And then I felt like the biggest piece of SHIT in the entire fucking UNIVERSE. Like there'd be a big arrow God himself would be pointing at me, saying PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT right HERE. RIGHT THERE. KORF. Basically became what I hated. I could NOT believe I did that.
So then I'm practically on my knees, begging for an apology. I try to play it cool at first with women have hormones (and we FUCKING DO DAMMIT, I'm not FUCKING LYING. I KNOW you can't use that as an excuse, but DAMN, I've had sex and JUST gotten out of a BAD FUCKING PLACE in life and now I'M ALREADY BACK). I mean, we'd seen each other multiple times over the month and had sex or oral sex and kissing multiple times and stuff and damn, you either like me or don't at that point. I should have just fucking asked but I was too terrified to hear that he was leaving in the summer and I was a fucking idiot for not realizing it or think this could GO SOMEWHERE. I say something like I'd still like to see you, if this is something you'd like to pursue, let me know. Don't hear from him and later offer to take him to dinner to apologize in person and god, is my apology nice and humble. I mean, I basically tell him I can't believe that was me and I know I said really mean and hurtful things and I feel awful and I hope he doesn't take them to heart; I enjoyed being with him, that's what mattered, I'm not really that concerned about wasting time, I'm sorry I hurt him and sad and embarrassed he had to see the worst side of me (and BOY DID HE. I mean I DO NOT get worse than THAT, DAMN, FUCK ME. I even sounded like some crazy ass racist, holy shit, I actually really think mixed people with brown skin are pretty fucking hot or I wouldn't be having sex with an Indian). But seriously, I put white people because I knew they'd be more likely to be living in the area with a permanent job and I just find them more attractive than SUPER dark black males (except for on rare occasions), but like Raj from Big Bang Theory or people that have the some coloring as Beyonce or Drake, I find to be super hot, I don't know why. Just chemicals and shit, I'm sure.
So, anyway, I'm FUCKED beyond belief at this point and he understandably doesn't wanna see me again, says he knows I'm not a bad person (that was pretty fucking bad, dude). And he's sure I'll find someone better than him (okaaay, this again) and he hopes I find what I'm looking for, he knows I will. I DID tell him he was the kind of guy I was looking for and, again, how sorry I am. But anyway, he says he's never experienced that kind of reaction before or had hormones taken out on him before like that (not a lot of experience with women, much less the American kind who are generally not oppressed, not that he's a sexist, religious Indian- him being agnostic, leaning towards atheism, like myself).
I tell him to take a couple days to think about it, I'm sorry (AGAIN, like god I gotta fucking beg for this shit?). Anyway, I tell some friends because, again, I feel like the shittiest fucking person on the planet and like I don't deserve anyone if I can't handle my fucking anxiety. I mean, I took fucking therapy and I forgot all my skills the second shit started getting somewhat serious, I became terrified as fuck and hell if I know why. Thinking back on it, what the fuck was I thinking? Like I don't get it. I got on that one website, healing well or whatever for anxiety and depression and some other women said they got like that then they start their periods. One even said she had been threatening to divorce her husband of ten years, hated him, and was SERIOUS about it and after she had her period came to her senses and felt awful. I mean it was kind of relief that someone had a similar type experience but LUCKY her, she's got a guy willing to put up with that shit since Farhang is obviously and understandably not.
Anyway, my friends say this one thing doesn't make me a bad person, that I still deserve someone and I learned from this. But, god, I am SO TIRED OF FUCKING LEARNING. I swear, I am TEN FUCKING YEARS behind everyone because of how AWFULLY STRICT my parents were. Jeeze. Anyway, I tell him to think about it, I'll take him out if he wants, if not, whatever. But I did ENJOY being with him and I'm sorry (again, god I sound FUCKING PATHETIC but I gotta eat my HUMBLE PIE).
Well, anyway, I haven't heard from him and probably won't bother him. But I would like to say (oh yeah, I said something like, "idk why you keep saying I'll find someone better, like do you mean that or really think that about yourself?"). Like why the FUCK do people tell others they'll find someone "better." No one, not ONE person is better than another. Yeah, I FUCKED up like seriously..... but that doesn't mean he'll find someone better than me or me someone better than him. We'll just find someone DIFFERENT. I'll find someone to put up and get through this shit with me about the anxiety at the beginning. The beginnings of a relationship are ALWAYS the most difficult. Ugh, it SUCKS. It SUCKS ASS.
And he will find someone who either doesn't have these problems or someone he is willing to help get through them as he gets older (he is five/six years younger than I). And she will help him through whatever issues he has (and I probably just gave him some, holy shit!!). I mean, I don't believe in love anyway. I believe in companionship, sticking it out through the shit and slowly growing to care deeply for the other and that turns into love. I mean, yeah, I've thought people are hot as super fuck, but never have I ever thought I LOVE that person. There was only guy I ever thought, "I wanna marry him and have his kids." And we never even held hands (haha, Kyle but not my relative Kyle obviously because that'd be weird as fuck. The Amish one or formerly Amish one with like eight siblings). And then I wouldn't even say I LOVED him. I could just see it going SOMEWHERE.
And I guess that's why I got SO SCARED. I COULD easily see myself falling for Farhang and seeing it and hoping it going somewhere but he just looked so temporary like Chris and all these feelings that I'd felt when I was with Chris came back and I just took it ALL OUT on the poor Indian. Poor guy, he didn't deserve THAT. But we got along so well. But then we had sex and I had trouble finding my voice. You just get so horrified because, hell, they have gotten what they wanted, why would they stay any longer?
Haha, and the REAL FUCKING kicker is how bad I STILL Feel about it even though I was told that guess who probably WOULD be leaving in three or four months? And you know he had to KNOW that. So, what would have happened if I hadn't lost it and become the biggest bitch on the planet? Finding out three or four months later that I was stupid for thinking this could have gone anywhere? Like did I really think I could convince him to stay in this country just for me? I mean, Chris didn't even wanna fucking travel with me in the SAME country. But, DAMN, I couldn't help but feel I almost got suckered AGAIN into sleeping with the same guy faithfully for a few months, not dating others just to get told AGAIN how I was kind of dumb for expecting anything out of it. Yet, I STILL feel like the biggest bitch ever because the guy from India was nice enough to bring me out and go out with me and stuff. Although, he never did meet or even mention wanting to meet my friends, though I mentioned them ALL THE TIME. And he never mentioned meeting mine. And, god, my family might as well BE in India. I miss my sisters and brother SO FUCKING MUCH. Fucking Alaska. And I know how much he missed his sister. I even got that stupid xmas present for HER since most girls like penguins. But, on the off chance he ever sees this (seriously DOUBTFUL, LOL). I do apologize, Farhang. It was awful of me.
But still, I think I would have died if I'd had to go through that 3-5 months sex fling again and friends never being involved. I mean, I seriously had consistent suicidal thoughts after the last one. I wish I could be like some girls and just enjoy the sex and not care about the relationship and become a stone cold wall to all the feelings that come with that crap. I AM getting to that point and maybe that's where I need to be is where one friend suggested. I wish I'd learn these lessons BEFORE I meet these people, though. I mean, I don't think there's anyone special out there for me or anyone, really. Just people willing to work through the shit each other brings to the table. And no one ever stays at some people's tables, LOL! Mine is a lonely tv dinner tray basically. And some people probably burned their table a long ass time ago and just throw their shit randomly.
But hell, I wanna meet a guy I find decently attractive that wants to work through shit and let me help him through his own shit. I mean, yeah, some super obese guys have hit on me but I don't find any attraction to them and I gotta feel something if I wanna sleep with you or suck you off, you know? Come on, ladies, you know what I mean.
So, I guess all in all, it was for the best. I mean, he himself said he believe it was probably for the best in the long run since he'd probably be leaving in 3-4 months. Why the hell do guys do that? Why would you go and look for a chick on a dating website when you know you're gonna be leaving in half a year or less. At least go to Craigslist casual encounters or hell, go to the bar and pick a chick up. Not an actual dating site. Or if you do, ONLY look for activity partners. But I guess I judge too harshly, it is possibly he had that profile up for a year or two, who knows?
We just met at wrong times. I do believe if he was a few years older and had more experience with women, he wouldn't run so fast. Or if we'd been together a couple months longer, it might have been more understandable. But if you're leaving soon anyway. Like if I knew that, it would have ended at the first fucking email. It's like Anberlin- Feel Good Drag is my fucking theme song to my romantic/sex life. I mean, good freakin grief. Do I need go sacrifice a virgin or something to get anywhere in life? Hell, my career has been shot to all hell, I've pretty much lost almost all the passion I once had for teaching or life and god, does it get tired of fuck pretending like I give a shit, and I can't find a guy to even be willing to try a relationship out for a full fucking year. Fuck my life. Like I wish the biggest problem in my life was losing my $20 English book. I'm already poor as shit, barely making it paycheck to paycheck, buying clothe at thrift stores and the fucking dollar store. It SUCKS ASS, though. WHY do I always meet people at the wrong fucking time? Can't something just finally go right? Dammit.
So, onto the second part of this long ass look at my pathetic life under the microscope (but god, it's gotta make, what, like one person feel like less of a piece of shit. I mean almost ten people have viewed some of my pages. Most view the stuff about Chase because they suck and should go to hell).
I have basically had this crazy craving for a cigarette since falling into his deep horrible depression. After the therapy, I thought for sure it'd go away, and it DID. I only smoked at Yellowstone when I was drunk as fuck. And I hardly get that drunk now anyway. But I couldn't help but think it was crazy how all the skills I'd learned at therapy flew out the fucking window the second the pressure was on, the second I was left in that land of what the fuck am I?! OMG, is it happening AGAIN?! I mean, last time I just spent all that panicking time crying in a bathtub alone and it sucked. I couldn't do it again. But I did learn from all this to wait like 2-4 months before sex and not within the month. But, shit I've waited before and one time the guy broke it off because it didn't get physical and the other time the guy was apparently in the fucking closet because I couldn't get him to do shit after a month and it wasn't for lack of trying.
But I kept thinking, "Holy shit, my therapy skills-- I forgot them." And how super fucking IRONIC that the next FUCKING DAY, my 6 month check up from my depression study came in the mail. Go fucking figure. If that isn't life laughing it's ass off at me, I don't know what the fuck it is. I know my friend laughed HER ass off at it. Some shit I need to fill out and sent back. And I need to SOON otherwise I miss out on ten bucks!
Anyways, we had a friends party and would have played Cards Against Humanity if I'd brought my Indian friend with me but obviously we were not on good terms at this point (so sad because we talked about this the first date. Ah well). So we played Mystery Date instead which was still fun. But, god, I kept freaking out thinking how everyone MUST know what a piece of shit I was. And then there were smokers and, god, I wanted a cigarette so fucking badly. Like damn. The smokers left once, then twice, and I'm fighting off a fucking social panic attack. I mean, I'm one of only TWO people without a fucking date (AGAIN, god, you'd think I was this ugly fucking thing. And I'm not. I liked that Indian guy so much because on the first date, he'd looked at me with this look at the bus stop and I was like, "what?" because he just looked so blown away and he said, "You're beautiful." I felt a little silly but super flattered. But I guess he could have been bs'ing that, but I think he was honest. And he loved cats!). And the only reason the OTHER person without a date is even there is because she's visiting from another state but she doesn't seem to have the same intense anxiety as me and it must be super fucking obvious because at one point she asks if I'm okay and I quickly say "yeah." Even though it's like SUPER fucking obvious I'm not.
So the smokers get up again for their break and I shoot one of my friends this super guilty as all get out look, get my coat, put it on and go outside because I'm gonna smoke me a fucking cigarette!! Damn. I find a girl and ask pretty timidly, but like, "Can I please have a cigarette." And she's drunk as fuck, I mean, but SO NICE and says, "yes, yes, here" And she lights it and damn, does it feel good and like all my problems just leave when I exhale that smoke. And we talk about our jobs and life and she is so nice and bubbly and loud. And I feel almost all my anxiety just shrivel up and I can't help but think why didn't I just do this almost sober before (I'd had a glass and a half of wine by now and am a lightweight and usually laughing like shit but today I'm trying not to fucking cry, like what the fuck?!). And the thought creeps up that if I'd had a pack of cigarettes maybe that morning I'd woken up in a panic, gasping- practically hyperventilating and in tears thinking I'd had sex too early and I was stupid and he was moving back to India anyway, and why was I such a fucking moron-- maybe instead of marching down the stairs and getting on the computer, lashing out at a human being and saying all that hurtful shit, maybe, just maybe I would have marched down the stairs, smoked a damn cigarette, and calmed the FUCK DOWN before I went and royally made an asshole of myself. Or bitch, though a friend said that asshole suffices because bitch is sexist and he's a guy so he might be onto something. Apparently, it was someone Eleanor Roosevelt said because he posted it to my facebook wall. He'd recently been an asshole too and mentioned it on facebook.
But anyways, maybe I would have calmed down and god knows I never EVER want to hurt someone like that again. Hopefully, absolutely no girl can seem worse to him after he went through that with me. But still, shit sucks.
So I bought my first pack of cigarettes today. The girl at the party had Camel, the guy at the register suggested Camel Lite because it's 75 cents off right now, some kinda birthday or whatever. He even asked if I was having a good day because I was so obviously not usually buying packs of cigs. And I got a lighter to boot, like let me just stick a note one my forehead: First time. I smoked a cigarette on the way back. Then I smoked four when I got home and drank some diet dr.pepper and couldn't even finish dinner. And, DAMN, do I feel GOOD now. Also found a really cool website, smokingfeelsgood.com or something like that, I think. Where other smokers get on and talk about why they smoke and stuff.
I guess all in all, it really doesn't matter. I don't know why I always think that I can find someone that wants to be REALLY be with me. I just hate this constant wondering about where I stand, how many other girls are being fucked besides me, just this constant alarm that I'm getting fucked again. Bad enough my first experience with sex was so fucking awful. I mean, I wasn't raped (though, I know MANY friends that have been, even brutally so or been degraded by men in horrifying ways and I guess I took some of that out, too. Sometimes I really hate who awful men are to women and I just start blaming EVERY guy for the problems even though I KNOW there are SOME good guys out there). But still, you gotta fucking wonder. I guess you just gotta pretend like you don't fucking care. Because everything goes great til you let on you care. But geeze, who wants to be led on for four to five months just to find out they were fucked from the beginning the guy fucking KNEW it but still went along with it?! That's what really fucking sucks. Like, at least don't KNOW it's over before it even begins, dammit, don't be fucking PLANNING on ending it in a few months.
And, it feels good to get that out. I doubt they'd ever read it but if you do and are super offended your name is here, email me or something. Unless you are Chris because that name is popular as fuck. You probably aren't even the right Chris. Mostly talking to the Indian guy here even though there seems to be quite a few people by that name (not like almost none like I first thought) and I might have taken liberties myself here a little with the name and places and stuff.
You know because there's like five people that might view this in the next two years, LOL! But it's nice having my own little space of the internet to just ramble about my life. If there is misspellings and shit, it's because I don't care.
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